WB - Wilfred Bramble, HHC - Harry H Corbett, DF - Dudley Foster
AS - George, JR - Jack Rooney.

WB:"Oh gawd, whose coming, Princess Margaret?"
HHC:"Dad, it's not often I have friends around for a social evening, try to understand"
WB:"Whats that?"
HHC:"What does it look like, it's a green baize cloth"
WB:"I can see it's a green baize cloth, I'm not blind. What is it for?"
HHC:"I'm going to put it on the table"
WB:"I didn't think you was going to make yourself a dress"
HHC:"Well if you knew what it was for what did you waste time asking stupid questions for"
WB:"Well what do you want to put it on table for, whats wrong with the oil cloth"
HHC:"Because it is neither customary or advisable to play cards on an oil cloth. Otherwise when you deals the cards, they go shooting off the table.it tends to spoil the game having to scramble around the floor between each hand alright"
WB:"Cards, playing cards"
HHC:"Yes, that is the object of tonights soiree. I'm having a cards school"
WB:"In here, I'm not having cards in here. I'm not having it. Your mother would never had allowed it and I won't neither. The spawn of the devil, that's what she said they were. Fifty Two soldiers in Satan's army, that's what they are and I ain't having 'em in here. You ain't never seen me playing cards. See that"
HHC:"A pack of cards"
WB:"That's right, a pack of cards. Unopened.Thirty years I've had these and I've resisted the temptation all that time. The day before she died, your mother made me swear on this packet of unopened cards never to play cards again as long as I lived. Promise me Albert she said, you'll never play cards again as long as you live, and just because she's gone I ain't going back on me word"
HHC:"Don't you talk a lot of old cobblers at times."
WB:"It's not a load of old cobblers speaking the wishes of a good woman. Happy families and lexicon is alright, she didn't mind them. You can play them if your like."
HHC:"Oh don't be ridiculous. I can't ask a bunch of fully grown me round here to play happy families"
WB:"Why not?"
HHC:"Because these is real card players Dad, they don't mess about. They're coming over here to play poker"
WB:"Poker, gambling?"
HHC:"Yes gambling"
WB:"What with money?"
HHC:"No, with milk bottle tops. Course it's money what else do you use to gamble"
WB:"Well I'm not having that in this house. That's one thing I will not tolerate, gambling, it's a sin. And the wages of sin is death"
HHC:"Oh gawd here we go. Will you get the tambourine's out. Will you come to the mission, will you come....cup of tean and a bun, hallelujah"
WB:"That's right, go on add to the list. That's another one entered in the ledger to be, to be levered against you when your standing outside the pearly gates waiting to get in"
HHC:"Hallelujah"
WB:"They'll say sorry mate. No room in here for the likes of you. get down below, to the fire and the brimstone and the worms that will eat you from the inside."
HHC:"Hallelujah"
WB:"Serpents and the demons and the devil to tempt you to all eternity. Unless you repent now"
HHC:"You ought to be on that programme with Malcolm Muggeridge. I believe, next week Harold Steptoe, Albert Steptoe and all his family. A raving bunch of lunatics"
WB:"Neeeeh, you'll laugh on the otherside of your face when you get down among the furnaces and the molting lava and the screams of the millions of tortured souls and there in the middle of it all"
HHC:"You, checking your Ernie bonds and your football pools"
WB:"That's different"
HHC:"Hows it different?"
WB:"Well your mother never said anything about football pools and Ernie bonds"
HHC:"Only because they came out after she died. Honestly you twist everything to suit yourslf don't you. That is gambling isn't it eh."
WB:"Well all I know is that your mother made herself quite clear about cards. And she'd turn in her grave if she knew you were playing poker for money.
HHC:"Don't keep on about my mum. The only reason she was against cards is because you always lost. I bet she never got her housekeeping half the time."
WB:"You never went without food"
HHC:"I didn't get ricketts through over eating did I"
WB:"Well everybody was hungry. There was a slump on"
HHC:"Eh. We never recovered from it in this house.So I'm not one to reproach you for the past. Lets forget all about it. I mean don't try to run my life for me. If I want to play cards, I'm going to play cards, and if you don't want to watch you can retire to you bedroom and pray for me."
WB:"Do you know these people that is coming"
HHC:"Yes I do. Harry Wilson, he's a cousin..."
WB:"He's been in prison"
HHC:"of course he's been in prison, so what"
WB:"You're mad. Whse the others?"
HHC:"Well they're friends of mine"
WB:"Who?"
HHC:"You don't know them I met them in the old view caf"
WB:"uh, A right load of layabouts get in there. What do they do for a living".
HHC:"Well Rex, he's on the snow clearing"
WB:"That's a nice steady job"
HHC:"Martin's on the national assistance"
WB:"You want your head seeing to"
HHC:"Look I do not what I am doing, I have played before, it's not the first time. You talk as if I'm going to lose every hand."
WB:"Well even if you win everyhand you're not going to get much out of that lot are you? A jaybird, a bloke on the dole and a snow clearer"
HHC:"Alright that is enough"
WB:"You've played with them before"
HHC:"Yes once"
WB:"How much did you win"
HHC:"How did you know I'd won"
WB:"Well the oldest trick in the world. Meet a mug, let him win a few bob, give him the come on and next time, take him to the cleaners"
HHC:"Alright, that is enough. Look I don't get many mates around here, thanks to you. These lads is good company. Alright so they ain't got jobs, they're very nice and very generous and all that counts with me. And look when they come here tonight, you behave yourself. Don't you go round muttering things and putting the mockers on it. I mean if you can't keep a civil tounge in your head, go to bed."

HHC:"Oh come in lads, cloaks is over there. Let me introduce you to my father. Dad, this is George"
AS:"How do you do"
HHC:"And this is Martin"
DF:"Mr Steptoe this is a pleasure. I've been looking forward to meeting you. I've heard so much about you from your son"
HHC:"This is Rex"
DF:"Hello then hey"
HHC:"Yes well, lets go and have a drink. Is red wine alright. Do sit down, make yourself comfortable"
DF:"Oh dear, you father doesn't appear to have a drink Harold"
HHC:"No, he don't drink"
DF:"Very wise, very wise. A sober man is a vigilant man hey, hey. yes. Well anyway here's to you Harold, cheers, here's to a pleasant evening and may the best man win, hey"
HHC:"May the best man win"
DF:"Well then shall we begin"
WB:"He's the one to watch, old oily"
HHC:"Be quiet"
WB:"Smmother than an horses earhole he is. I bet he's a good shuffler."
DF:"Are you ready the HArld"
HHC:"Yes right"
